The Political Flip-Flop Condemnation and Why Changing Ideas Isn’t Terrible

This is a thing that’s always bothered me. Statements that are basically “(insert politician’s name here) flip-flops on X ideals, and are therefore untrustworthy!”. As an adult human person type being, it’s totally acceptable to change your mind about shit, especially in the name of growth. For example, Hilary Clinton at one point said that she believed marriage should be between a man and a woman, although I suspect she said this under duress as the idea of gay marriage was totally unpopular at the time, and as a human type person, she’s subject to herd mentality. As we all are.

People have a universal need to be liked, especially people in the spotlight. As a result, we tip-toe around issues, or sometimes even say things to appease others. This is kind of a result of a not too distant past of potentially being stoned to death or burned at the stake. Even those that hold claim to not caring if they’re liked or admired are still pandering to an audience, such as people that proudly declare that they’re an asshole – they’re still seeking a pat on the back, just by a group of people that are assholes.

There is nothing wrong with changing your thought process in the name of growth. There is however, something profoundly wrong when someone continues down that path once proven wrong out of the need to be right. For example, Donald Trump. The Donald declared that President Obama was not actually president because he was born in Kenya, and started a fury of people demanding that Obama be removed from office due to fraud – all the while forgetting that President Obama’s mother was born in America, in Wichita Kansas, the “heartland” of this great nation. By definition, regardless of where Obama was born, by law, he’s a naturalized citizen. Once DT was provided with the long form birth certificate from Hawaii that was totally not needed, was there an apology for this obnoxious stirring up of the crazies? Nope. Why? Because the man is incapable of accepting truth other than his own, which is dangerous and irresponsible.

People that accept change and opinions other than their own in the name of growth should be applauded rather than scolded. People that deny fact and reason because it goes against their opinion, should not be held in any regard.

As an adult human I’ve changed my mind about a number of things for a number of different reasons, and it’s awesome, because it’s not only expanding my lexicon of life, but it’s also defining my ability to exercise free will without definition.

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A Vegan Lifestyle is SOOOOOOOO Extravagant… *insert eye roll here*

This is probably the second most common statement I hear, the first being “Well where do you get your protein? You need your protein!” (I’ll address that one in the second half of this blog entry).

No a vegan diet is not expensive.

I repeat, being vegan is not expensive.

At least if you have half a brain and are willing to put about two seconds of effort into your food.

Right now, I don’t consider myself vegan, but I’m as animal free as possible. My hangup is cheese. In my defense though, cheese is an addictive substance, I have an addictive personality (thanks parents!), and my slip ups mostly occur at Whole Foods (fucking cheese pushers! With those sneeze dome covered trays of tasty curdled milk nuggets), or when Aunt Flo is about to visit, because really I’m vulnerable to everything during these times and I just need a little fucking sensitivity toward the whole situation happening with the lower half of my body.

In my early 20’s I was vegan, from 19 to 25ish (there was a nervous breakdown thing, we don’t need to go into that, we’ll just say that we’re lucky I ate anything at all). During this period my job was at a bookstore, and believe it or not, but a retail position in your early 20’s pays absolute shit! Extravagant was paying $6 for white rice and steamed veggies from panda express. If you only dine out, yes, eating vegan is extravagant for what you get. Your diet will consist of nothing but simple carbs, such as french fries, and the greens you’ll be getting while going out with your friends will be an iceberg lettuce side salad with fat free Italian dressing (and your part of the bill will still be cheaper). The problem with this is that you will not be healthy, not in the slightest.

So anyway, back in my early 20’s, I had a roommate that was vegetarian, it worked out well. We would grocery shop together, each pitch in $20 and we made it work. Breakfasts were smoothies or day old bagels that we bought and froze for pennies. Lunch we were both away from home and we dealt with ourselves, but I often made big pots of lentils for the both of us, and dinner was soup, salad, both, what ever we could come up with. There was never a period of time where we starved, and more importantly, there was never a period of time when the animals we were consistently bringing home were starved. We spent more money on animal food than people food. Our one big splurge was coffee. Get good coffee. We did buy a protein powder, just in case, because we were also spoon feed the “you need your protein or you will die!” diet crap.

Here are tips that will save you money if you want to be vegan, or even if you don’t want to be vegan, you just like saving money:

  1. Know your dirty and clean list. Being vegan doesn’t mean ALL ORGANIC everything. it’s a totally different topic, and up to personal choice. There are some produce items that are worth buying organic (things that grow in close proximity to the ground and do not have a thick outer skin EX: lettuce), there are some produce items that don’t require that you care if they’re organic, because any insecticides present will not affect you because of the thick impenetrable skin (EX: avocados).
  2. Know when produce is in season (actually, download this list to your phone, so that you can take it to the store with you always). Produce that’s in season is usually way cheaper, AND there’s a bonus, a lot of these items can be frozen (EX: berries for smoothies), when they go on super crazy cheap sale. Stock up and freeze those bitches. Anytime I can get a good sale on berries, lemons (freeze the juice, grate the rinds and freeze – if organic, if not they make an excellent garbage disposal freshener and a number of other things), bananas, Really I’ll freeze everything except salad greens (not including spinach). Produce that is out of season is usually imported prior to ripening, and is bland, and contributes to the massive food driven carbon output that is happening right now. You know, the thing that the GOP wants to deny is happening so they can blissfully eat their steak without having feelings, all while screwing their children and grandchildren out of a viable planet (they’ll be dead anyway, fuck it!).
  3. Look into your farmer’s markets. There’s one out here in St. Louis that is sincerely the most awesome thing ever. Soulard Farmer’s Market, started out in St. Louis in 1779. It is the oldest farmer’s market in the country, and it goes year round. One of the things that is prevalent in farmer’s markets today is produce resellers. These are the guys that go to markets and buy up the stuff that is on the verge of expiring, and sell it. Cheap. Most of the time it’s not bad produce. It might be a funny shape, it might not be covered in wax and shine, but if you’re intending to cook it that night or freeze it, there’s no point in not saving money. Otherwise the shit is just going to end up at the dump, more waste, more methane, more humans being disgusting humans. My first trip to Soulard, I spent $24 – I bought a pineapple, two heads of romaine, some roma tomatoes, an eggplant, some lemons, purple tomatoes, and some spices (and a bloody mary on the way in thank you!). Somewhere near you, or within 10 miles there is a farmer’s market, or flea market that has amazing deals.
  4. Cooking at home. I don’t mean that every meal has to be crazy labor intensive. During busy weeks I’ll set aside a couple of hours to make a bunch of shit for hobo bowls, salads, and stews. Hobo bowls are when you take a grain (rice, quinoa, barley etc.), and add what ever the fuck vegetables you feel like, plus a protein source (beans, tofu, tempeh). I always have a bowl filled with salad greens in the fridge, and I buy broccoli slaw at Trader Joe’s ($1.99 for a huge bag that lasts a week), and shredded brussels sprouts (also $2 for a bag) – salads are usually greens, broccoli slaw, brussels sprouts, and anything else I decide to throw in there. For dressing I either make my own, or the Trader Joe’s goddess dressing is exactly like the $4 version at the store, it’s just only $2. Basically, if you put together a list of the things that you like to eat on the regular, and make a weekly grocery list, and do a little prep work.
  5. Experiment with new things. There was this one time that I was living in So Cal, and the grocery store across the street was having a crazy sale on radishes. I was really into roasted beets in my salads at the time, but I ended up with 2 lbs of radishes for $1. I roasted them with balsamic and vinegar and guess what? I liked them in my salads just as much as the beets, and I saved $5 that week.
  6. Fall in love with bulk bins. Don’t buy organic rice in a $7 12 ounce bag, when you can get 16 ounces of organic rice from a bulk bin for $5.99 a lb. Same for beans, grains, dried fruit snacks, etc.
  7. Ugly produce is your friend. Back to that produce reseller thing, sometimes fruit and vegetables are not suitable for the store – they’re not perfectly round, they have a bump, the color isn’t uniform etc. THIS PRODUCE IS USUALLY THROWN AWAY. It’s perfectly good, it just grew a little different. Recently France outlawed this practice and North Carolina is doing the same. I’m hoping that this trend continues, because we have enough food to feed the entire world and then some, it’s just that capitalism is taking the food out of starving peoples mouths and either feeding it to cows, or throwing it in a landfill.

This brings me to the part II of my blog. “You need protein or you will DIE!”. No. You need the availability of all amino acids so that your body can produce protein or you will die. Protein is easily obtained by sacrificing the lives of animals, the health of the planet, and all compassion and morality (yes, I’m being an asshole here, and I don’t care, because it’s true). Protein is just as easily obtained by eating a wide variety of plant matter – because it’s not simply obtained, it’s created, by your body, out of amino acids, that either your body produces, or that come from an outside source. THIS IS FUCKING SCIENCE, IT ISN’T ANYTHING NEW.

You don’t even have to obtain every amino acid in one sitting to create protein.

Your body does it as needed.

The flesh of an animal doesn’t go into your mouth and then suture itself onto your own muscles making them strong.

When you eat the flesh of an animal, enzymes in your mouth break it down, it’s swallowed and further broken down by additional enzymes in your stomach, it enters your lower intestine and nutrients and water are pulled out as needed, and then it enters your small intestine which takes more water from it, and then it’s poop. This same process is carried out with vegetables. Vegetables also have amino acids, the same as meat, it’s just that different vegetables have different amino acids and to get the full spectrum you need variety. Variety totally sucks, I get it.

That’s my rant for the day. If you disagree with this rant, fuck off I don’t care, you’re scientifically illiterate and therefore irrelevant in my world. If you decide to be a dick and respond to this by suggesting I go eat a cow sliced up in which ever way you find appropriate, I will relentlessly send you pictures of for real cancerous colons – because that’s how that shit happens. It’s not just me saying it, it’s science. And if you’re all like #YOLO, I’ll be like “yeah, and then your ass starts bleeding and you don’t get to die peacefully in your sleep at the age of 98 – you get to die screaming because of ass pain”.

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How @realDonaldTrump Made Me Reclaim the Word Feminist

Way back a million years ago when I was a kid in school, and learned about all the stuff you learn about, like women’s suffrage, and Roe V. Wade, and how everything is equal now, and you can be anything you want to be, and tralalalalala…….It was kind of like “Ok, everything is good now, good thing I was born at this time! I’m set – thank you previous generations for being fucking awesome!”, but then I left the loving arms of my parents to enter the real world.

My parents have opinions, but they’re definitely not embroiled in any hate culture nasties like sexism, racism, homophobia etc. They are very live and let live, respect people, animals, and life in general – basically taught me a “don’t be a dick” style philosophy, which seems like a very simple concept, but it’s unfortunately lost on the majority of the populace. Now, because of the glorious internet – they all have voices that can reach out far and wide. Thank you internet!

Somewhere around the mid-to-late-90’s I noticed that the term Feminist turned into something scary and evil. “Shock Jocks” like Rush Limbaugh, and Tom Leykis were gaining these little weird tribes of toddler manboypigs all ready to scream “get in the kitchen or get on your knees!”. Hissing that female empowerment was castrating. I remember the term “Feminazi” spat out any time anyone was the least bit offended and vocal about blatant inequality. Decades and decades of gaining “equal rights” and we’re still being told to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up.

Fast forward to today, and we still have a good number of women in the entertainment industry vehemently denying the word feminist. Why? What does it even mean to be a Feminist?

When you pull up the Webster’s dictionary definition, it’s simply someone who supports feminism, and feminism is the “theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes”. So why the fuck is that scary? That’s normal, or at least what should be normal. What it amounts to is a bunch of manboys, scared that someone is going to take their power away. Dude, we don’t want your power, we just don’t want to live in a world where we are forced to get by on $.77 of the $1 you make while you slap our asses and tell us to get your coffee.

I’ve owned the word “feminist” for a long while now, but I’ve never wanted to scream it off roof-tops until Donald Trump started his campaign. Everyone knows the horrible things he says about women. It’s highly publicized, and for some reason laughed off as an innocuous byproduct of the time and privilege in which he was raised. What is concerning about it is that he’s vying for a position that represents this country, and his minions are absorbing and regurgitating his backwards beliefs as truth.

I started a Twitter account a long time ago, but never really used it until I was coerced into adding all kinds of family members on the Facebook, some of which don’t appreciate my dirty sailer mouth. I like bad words. I consider them the color in the salad. Salads aren’t pretty when they’re all green, they’re pretty when you throw red, pink, yellow, and sometimes purple in there. I have a colorful, dirty sailor mouth, and I’ve been on this planet long enough to have earned it. So I may protect gramma’s delicate ears on FB, she’s not on twitter, and I’m an adult. One of the things that I’ve noticed on Twitter, is that DT, and his minions, the moment they want to shut down a woman, they attack their looks. I mean everything from calling Rosie O’Donnell a fat cow, and Bette Middler “grotesque”, to saying that because Bill stepped out (fucking creep), how in the world would Hillary be able to satisfy the country’s needs? Because you know, we’re here because vagina and bringing you pie?

I don’t care that one douche says these things. I care that he inspires tribes of poorly educated, easily brainwashed minions to follow suit.  They see a billionaire spewing this hate vomit, and think that they’ll one day be as successful as he is, in a private plane, buying mail-order model brides, living a life that they can only dream about, but the thing is, Trump was handed this life. He didn’t earn it from the ground up. He has zero concept of what it is to struggle, and wouldn’t do a damn thing to help someone that he saw struggling if he didn’t think it would benefit him more.  

This whole post was brought on by an interesting Twitter exchange. I had commented on an article about how Trump bragged about how he wouldn’t have let the Black Lives Matter protesters interrupt him. He said that it made Bernie Sanders look weak. I was stoked that he keeps alienating every group in the country except old white dudes, because that pretty much ensures a failed campaign. Then I had a fun little exchange with a born again Christian that insisted if I followed the path to Jesus I would find my way to Trump. No, for serious. It went like this:

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And then I got this (and responded – although, I’m sure the sarcasm was lost, being the internet and all.

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Notice what he did there? Not one of those things that’s supposed to be an insult was about me. The funniest thing was that I googled SJW because, me, having been in science school (totally the correct term) for the last couple of years thought that maybe that was a known eyeglass brand, and since I consider the glasses in the picture quite comfortable I was stoked to find a new supplier – thanks random internet asshole! Yep, I’m too dumb to know that SJW stands for “Social Justice Warrior” or at least I was until last night. My acronyms are all like AAR (ALT/AST ratio) and ZIP (Zinc, Iron, Protein), because my small girl brains only know medical shit.

So really, let’s breakdown Mr. @‘s tweet. I look up this SJW BS and come up with social justice warrior. According to the urban dictionary thingy, it’s “A pejorative term for an individual who repeatedly and vehemently engages in arguments on social justice on the Internet, often in a shallow or not well-thought-out way, for the purpose of raising their own personal reputation.” Oh my! That sounds like I might have been called a name! Do all of these SJW’s wear the same glasses like a dark mark? I’ve worn acetate glasses since I was 9, they’re comfortable on the ears and don’t squeeze my head after hours of wear, have I subconsciously fallen to the darkside in my quest for vision?! HOLY SHIT! Unkept hair? Well, yeah, my hair is naturally curly, and I often allow it to remain this way because working 12 hour shifts and allowing time for homework, and hopefully a few minutes of a social life, isn’t exactly conducive to a 45 minute wrangling with a flatiron. Sorry dude, I like sleep just like you do. “Typical special snowflake nosering”, well now you’re just being sarcastic, and sucking at it. Hey, everyone with a septum piercing – according to @ you’re not a special snowflake, because bunches of people have them, we should all get offended right the fuck now! Not that it needs an explanation, but I got my septum pierced when I was 16, because it was easily hidden. I actually remember the day that I took that picture, it was to show off my new cat-eye glasses that I got for a total bargain, and I had been cleaning, found the nose ring, and for fun put it in. Hadn’t worn it in years. but I think now, I might just go ahead and buy a great big obnoxious septum clicker, that way I get more people to laugh at. Finally, I believe he meant “figuratively” in his shallow observation of my avatar. My comfortable glasses and lack of time make me “figuratively” a complete tool. Fuck the internet and it’s opportunities for inappropriate word choice by stupid people – LITERALLY STUPID PEOPLE. See, that’s correct usage, literally is not just a word used to emphasize something, it actually means something. English, totally crazy right?

Notice how none of these points were even about me. They were about a teeny picture that I thought was funny, and happened to like, and never bothered to change, FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS, because I’ve been doing shit. It’s not necessary for me to change the picture, I’m not trying deceive anyone, or hook up with anyone. I already have the best, smartest, hottest husband in the universe.

The only reason why I’m writing this, is because it’s not the first time it’s happened. This dude is far from original. It’s the same for every girl. We reflect on one, but it’s only after hundreds or sometimes thousands of douchebag minion bullshit.

On the internet, I’m consistently “put in my place” *eye roll* by someone with some major insecurity issues. I’ve been told that a total stranger “Will pray for my family” because he feels sorry for them, yeah dude, get on your fucking knees, sorry I can’t join you, I’ve got shit to do. I’ve also had individual parts of my face and or body been mentioned as a point of concern such as my “pretty mouth”, “dirty mouth” etc. A lot of mouth talk. It’s weird and creepy. Also lots of boob talk, because I have those. Two of them even. More than a handful. It’s totally genetic, can’t do a thing about it without serious medical intervention. Just like I can’t do much to surgically remove heads from the asses of anyone who finds @‘s unsolicited opinion a clever retort.

Until the GOP finds a candidate that doesn’t consistently vote against my gender – directly affecting me, my well being, and pursuit of happiness, I will not give them my vote, and will actively display disdain for their practice, because WHO SMELT IT DELT IT. Yes I’m using fart logic. You fart evil hate in my house, I return the favor. Totally fair. Totally equal. Now fuck off, and come back with a good insult this time. One that doesn’t have to do with my looks, because if I was really concerned about that, I could totally fix it.

In the words of the great Christina Aguilera (yeah this goth bitch has her own movie montage, and it’s always to this song):

“Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter”

I thank you @realDonaldTrump, for exposing the truth about the people that believe in you. I am a fucking feminist, because that’s an interest specific to my gender. And it’s awesome, because women are awesome, not the awesomest – just equally as awesome as our male counterparts.

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Fermented Cabbage, a Love Story………

My love affair with all things pickled began at an early age. It might have started because of Thanksgiving, and my Grandmother’s obsession with stocking the perfect pickle platter. Thanksgiving food is so boring to me. Turkey, eh. Everything is white, and fatty, and eh. Except for pumpkin pie, pickles, and Grandma’s dressing, Thanksgiving is gross. I know it’s all supposed to be about tradition, and family, and blah blah blah….but really, people freak out about shit when it’s not perfect, and put a lot of pressure on it. Thanksgiving and Christmas. My two least favorite days. Except for pickles. And pumpkin pie, which will probably have it’s own post, once I make a vegan version that rocks harder than Norwegian black metal.

So. Kraut.

I bought this book a couple years ago that was all like “I’m skinny because of smoothies!” (load of crap), but yeah I bought it because I have a vagina. Anyway, this book had this recipe for “probiotic salad”, I’m reading this bullshit, and was like “this is fucking sauerkraut!” – except some fucked up version of it with ginger. So I made the stupid stuff – and it was bad. Some horrible hippie version of rotten cabbage with ginger thrown in there. It was a load of fucking crap, but, it did have a little bit of that sour awesomeness, that reminded me how much I like fermented foods. Things like Bubbies pickles, seriously, if your grocery store stocks those, fucking buy them, they’re awesome, you’ll never look at pickles the same way again.

So. Kraut.

Most people associate this awesome stuff with hotdogs, and Germans. Really this magical stuff wasn’t even in Germany until after Ghangis Khan invaded China. Fermenting foods has been a method of preservation for friggin’ ever. There were no refrigerators 2000 years ago, so the Chinese accomplished long term food storage by putting shit in rice wine. Once this magic was unleashed upon the world, it was used on ships to ward off scurvy because it’s all chocked full of vitamin C, and it also has  magical gut properties because of lactobacillus (like yogurt).

Sauerkraut that you get in the grocery store in a bag has none of the good for you properties that traditional sauerkraut has. Like everything else, it’s processed with preservatives and additives, and then the shit is boiled out of it until it is really just a bag of fiber that tastes kind of sour. I can’t seem to find an ingredient list, but the next time you’re in the grocery store and you see a bag of kraut, look at the back. You’ll likely see a whole list of things, when really, the ingredients to traditional sauerkraut are salt and cabbage. It’s kind of like real bread. Real bread, this will be another post for another time, but real bread has 4 ingredients – flour, yeast, salt, water. Real sauerkraut has 2 – salt, cabbage.

You don’t have to buy a fancy stoneware crock, but it makes life easier. You can do this in mason jars, but you will need an attachment that allows the gas to escape, or be extremely vigilant in checking to make sure that your jars are open just enough to allow gas to escape, but not enough that it’s consistently exposed to bad bacteria (this is difficult, just buy a thingy to make it so you don’t make something that causes death, because botulism is no fucking joke). Personally, I go traditional on my kraut, and I have the $90 fermentation crock. It keeps the smell, mess, and danger of botulism to a minimum, and it’s pretty. I do have a couple of the mason jar attachment things for when I make Kimchi, because I usually make that in smaller batches – although, if I find a better vegan recipe, I might just break out the crock for that too. If you choose to just cram it all in a jar, which is totally doable, find a corner of a cabinet, and line it with towels, and be prepared to change out those towels on a daily basis.

How to make real fermented sauerkraut (sour cabbage)

Ingredients:

Coffee (no really you’re going to need this, at least 2 cups of the good french press kind)

10-15-ish lbs of cabbage. if you choose a mixture of purple and green, you get pink kraut, this last time I had 2 purples, and 7 greens.

Quality sea salt, I have a special affection for grey sea salt, but really you can use any kind so long as it’s not regular table salt or any salt with an additive (a lot of salts have additives to prevent caking). Get real sea salt. Once you start buying real salt, regular table salt starts tasting metallic.

A bottle of wine (or other preferred libation) – for after, trust me, you’re going to need it. And don’t even think that this is a drinking project, do not open that fucking bottle until the end. This is the hardcore shit right here. If you start imbibing, you’re going to get through 4 cabbages and be like “fuck this shit”, and then you end up with a bunch of leftover cabbage, and the cabbage that you’ve already shredded rots instead of ferments because you pass the fuck out on the couch before finishing. But I don’t know anything about that.

About 4-5 hours of time, with enough physical energy to shred and squeeze 10-15 lbs of cabbage. Your hands, back, and feet are going to hurt. For real.

Destructions:

1) Chug 1 cup of coffee, and prepare the second cup.

2) Wash and dry your kraut receptacle thoroughly. Make sure that it is free of pet/people hairs and fibers. Wash it with the hottest water possible. It’s impossible to sterilize the gigantic fermentation crocks, but if you’re doing this in mason jars, run that shit through the dishwasher, and then prior to packing, dip them in a boiling water bath. I’m a lady of science, and I respect pasteurization with a lot of things, but I also know that our gut microbes have been severely damaged by the food industry. We need bacteria, this is a way to get good bacteria. Don’t be fucking stupid with it though.

3) Reserve clean outer layers free of any type of spoilage from your cabbage. I usually pull off 2 per head.

4) Shred your cabbage. This is going to be done in batches, using stoneware bowls – or ceramic. I don’t remember right now why you’re not supposed to use big metal bowls, but I do this in giant ceramic mixing bowls. I have two, a small one for measurement, and a large one for salting and squeezing. You don’t have to have a cabbage shredder, but it does make things a hell of a lot easier. I usually just use a kitchen knife to cut my cabbage into approximately 1 mm strips and chunks. When you have 1 lb of shred, put it in your large bowl and sprinkle it with 2 tsp of sea salt – approximately – don’t go over though, you want to preserve it, but you also don’t want to retard the bacteria. Coarse grey sea salt like the kind I use doesn’t really measure out pretty. It’s also kind of wet, and I don’t pack it down. I just stick the scoop in, draw out about a tsp. and then sprinkle. Shred another pound of cabbage, add it on top of the first pound, and then sprinkle salt.

5) Massage your cabbage. If you notice, I did not include water in my list of ingredients. You shouldn’t need it. The salt draws the water out of the cabbage. This process has begun prior to you adding the second lb of cabbage. Massage the salt all up in the 2 lbs of cabbage, and start shredding your 3rd lb. Once the 3rd lb. is shredded, a fair about of water has been expelled from your first 2 lbs of cabbage. You’re going to grab a handful, and squeeze the shit out of it. I mean squeeze. You want to pack it as tight as possible in your hands, while retaining the water in the bowl. KEEP THAT FUCKING SALT WATER – KEEP IT. Once you have a good handful squeezed, pack it in to the intended receptacle as tightly ass possible. Continue to do this until the bowl is empty, and then add 2 more lbs of shredded cabbage to the bowl – salt – repeat – retaining the water left behind. This is important.

After last nights shred fest I had at least a gallon of water squeezed out. You really shouldn’t need to add water to your jars when you’re done, but if you do, DO NOT USE TAP WATER. This is very important. Tap water has chlorine, which retards bacterial growth. Bacteria is what is needed to ferment this shit. If you use tap water, your cabbage will rot and not ferment, and you will end up with a pile of slimey fart goo, and not delicious sauerkraut.

Once your receptacle(s) are packed. and this is really where the fermentation crock is nice, there is just one thing to deal with, not several, press down with your hand or another object just to make sure that everything is packed in as tightly as possible.

If you are using a fermentation crock: Place the leaves you’ve reserved on top of the shredded cabbage, kind of like a saran wrap layer, blocking it from the outside as much as possible. Then apply your weights, I really need to order more weights, I only have one set, and really what you want to do is make it so that there is no chance that the gasses released can move your cabbage shreds from the bottom of the pot. Right now I put down the full leaves, to keep things down – then I put in a round tupperware lid, I put the weights on that, and then I jam a square tupperware in there in a way that the corners are trapped by the top of the crock. Basically, you’re preventing expansion. When things ferment, the escaping gasses cause expansion, expansion allows air in, air has additional bacteria, additional bacteria will cause rot rather than fermentation.

If you are using Mason jars: Make sure to pack the jars as full as possible, leaving about an inch to an inch and a half from the top. You can use the reserved leaves by tearing a piece to cover your shreds, and then rolling up the remainder into a tight ball to place on top. The pressure from the lid pressing on this ball should be sufficient.

Whichever method you use, I cannot emphasize enough, that you make sure that your shit is packed as tightly as possible. CONTROL YOUR SHIT. PACK YOUR SHIT, Think like you’re going to Europe for a year with only a backpack. PACK YOUR FUCKING SHIT.

Once your shit is packed, add your cabbage water. You’ll notice that when you’re squeezing and massaging, that this water is kind of foamy. That’s the exotoxins from helpful fermenting bacteria! I get stoked when I see that. That’s the beginning of the fermentation process. Microbiology is fucking RAD! Anyway, fill your jars or your crock with your water and seal them up.

I let mine sour in my crock for about 2 weeks, you can do the whole thing where you break open the receptacle and taste it, but that is just potentially exposing it to more bacteria.

When the 2 weeks are up, I open up my crock, take out all the bullshit weights, and start loading my kraut into jars, keeping it packed tightly, and then I add a little bit of the cabbage water – just a little, you really don’t need but a couple tablespoons. This is where it’s easier if you’re doing the jar method. Take out the folded cabbage leaf balls, stick it in the fridge. Your kraut will continue to sour, just at a much slower rate. Back in the day people just buried their jars/crocks etc, or moved them to the cellar. I know with kimchi, they would pack up the crocks, bury them, and leave them for months before retrieval. I have a refrigerator, so I just stick the shit in the fridge.

This should keep for a very long time. I don’t have an exact time frame to give you, but common sense should tell you that if anything looks weird, or is slimey, or a totally wrong color, DON’T FUCKING EAT IT. I make kraut once or twice a year. I add it to salad, or put it on a dish as an appetizer, or just eat it because it’s delicious.

Anyway, that’s the basic food fermentation method. It’s probiotics, in your house, for super cheap. And it’s so delicious.

I think after this crock is done I’m going to maybe try bubbies style pickles – that is if I can find pickling cucumbers out here. Haven’t found those yet.

For fun, if you want an awesome reading assignment, read A History of the World in 6 Glasses it talks all about fermentation and how the first human beverage was not water, but beer. Fermentation is the foundation of humanity. For serious. For science n’ shit.

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Best Missed Connections Post Ever

Or at least one of them.

You farted in krogers yesterday – m4w (Troy, MO)

“You were the tall brunette with the near perfect body that farted in the bread section last night. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and asked, “Was that you?” You quickly replied, “No it wasn’t me!” You almost seemed insulted that I would ask. As the stink grew you continued to deny your flatulence, but it was evident. I tried to get rid of the stench by waving two loaves of ciabatta bread. You proceeded to storm off in an angry manner. You are beautiful and even if you are a liar and fart like a clydesdale, I would love to meet up.”

I hope he meets his farting goddess, because this is a love story for the ages. I mean that! I know I’m a sarcastic bitch monster most of the time, but ciabatta bread as makeshift fabreeze? That’s love.

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Some OC Assholes were all Excited about the foie gras ban in California being lifted

One of my unpublished resolutions was that I didn’t want to get into debates on my own FB page. And because of this, I’ve opted out on debating on anyone else’s, regardless of how misguided they are. Why? Because on my FB page, it’s my opinion and guess what? I don’t GAF about anyone else’s, so I’m assuming that they don’t GAF about mine, and I’d rather not expend the energy debating it. This is why I hate Facebook. It’s given a voice to so many assholes. So many assholes. What happened to the days where it was uncouth to talk about religion and politics? I miss those days. Have your opinions, but dammit, if you know they’re out there, keep them to your fucking self, I do, for the most part, otherwise everyone would know how I think that there should be a life lottery that kills off 3/4 of the worlds population….oops I wasn’t supposed to mention that. But seriously, the planet would be totally better off.

Anyway – to protect the innocent, I’m going to just copy and paste shit here, because I love my friends, not so much my friends friends, and I’m probably just overreacting but honestly, this is the kind of shit that makes me want to live in a cave.

Initial post:

Girl Friend: “People against Foie Gras make me laugh (at least the ones like this), especially meat eating people who are against Foie Gras. There are ethical and non ethical farms everywhere. Do your research, people.” with a link to this article Foie Gras Is For Assholes

And then the ensuing posts:

Female 1 Friend of Girl Friend:Mmmmm foie gras” Girl friend’s husband, who owns a restaurant likes this post. 

Husband of Girl Friend: “I feel anyone named Hamilton Nolan must be a asshole.” girl friend + 6 other of girl friend’s friends like this post.

Male Friend 1 of Girl Friend: “[girl friend’s husbands name tagged] they should ban eating asshole and Hamilton Nolan will die of starvation”, girl friend’s husband, girl friend, and female friend 1 like this post

Female Friend 2 of Girl Friend: “First and foremost, we are at the top of the foodchain. We hunt and kill animals for nourishment. It’s so annoying to read or hear people giving animals the exact same rights as humans. I do not believe in torture, I do not believe in inhumane conditions. I do believe in society evolving into creating delicious meals by feeding these animals until their hearts content, living a luxurious lifestyle compared to my own. Bam. Case closed” Girl friend likes this post

Male Friend 2 of Girl Friend: “This article is written in a recklessly crass fashion, but I suppose I understand the underlying sentiments. I’m not sure I buy the argument about humane practices behind Foie Gras, even if they are humane by comparison to other methods.

It makes me imagine a realm of beings superior to humans who justify wiping us out by claiming ethical superiority by subjecting us to lethal injection rather than a firing squad. That being said, I also agree with you that there is a great deal of hypocrisy at play when people bemoan the presence of Foie Gras but go about their practices of consuming other animal products that are produced with similar methods. I find myself eating meat products out of a combination of habit and enjoyment, but I do admit that I feel a bit more ethically bankrupt each time I do.

At the very least, it’s a call for dialogue… that is hopefully packaged in a more glamorous and sophisticated way than this piece.” Girl Friend, and 2 friends of Girl Friend like this post

Husband of Girl Friend:Shut the fuck up [Guy Friend 2]”, Girl Friend, and 2 guy friends of Girl Friend like this post

Female Friend 3 of Girl Friend: They still force feed the animals until there assholes blow out in order to engorge their livers. I understand you all are trying to support this action for your business. I just think we are so well fed in America that we can make choices about our food that does not involve torture. On the health side of things.. We don’t want to be eating sick animals. I assume you will delete this comment but I hope you don’t because every story has two sides and truth.. Is truth.” Mutual Guy Friend 1 likes this 

Renee Richardson's photo.
Girl Friend:  “Female Friend 3, can I show you a picture of the conditions and death of the people who have killed themselves at the iPhone factory? Or maybe a nice sweater you own?Or how about how people get those leather boots? There is torture everywhere. There are humane farms and not humane farms. And no, I’m not spouting this because of the restaurant. I’m spouting it because people need to know both sides.”
Female Friend 2: “well said.”
Male Friend 2: “yes. I too struggle when I really eat any meat…but I do. I’m aware of the awful conditions, the slaughter, the hormones, the terrible life. But…I still eat and enjoy. A part of me believes that’s what they are there for. Not all…but yea, again. An internal struggle. The thing is, yes. People will go pick up chicken from the grocery store that has spent a life not able to move in a cage with 10 other birds. They are in cages never cleaned, and live an awful life of cruelty. They won’t think twice about it. Same goes for EVERY other type of animal out there being killed for food. Yet they gripe about foie gras? When it comes to ‘humane’, there is a difference. Shit, maybe Husband of Girl Friend said it best” Female Friend 2 likes this, and 2 other female friends, and a male friend.
Female Friend 3: “I just choose not to support the cruelty. I think it is weird when people are aware but look the other way.” Mutual Guy Friend 1 likes this post also.

Girl Friend: Gold? Here is a child in the Phillies getting that for our pleasure and greed. Now you are aware. Don’t look the other way.”

Brianne Blythe Dudley's photo.
No one likes this post – it was designed that way.
Female Friend 3: “Nope.. No gold! I actually don’t feel as bad for people as I do animals anyway. Animals are have no choice. They just have to deal with what we choose as their fate” no likes – this is where she totally lost her argument. She had an in and could have argued it, but she blew it.
Girl Friend: “Wow. Really? You think this girl has a ‘choice’? So in this situation, it’s ok to look the other way? Got it.” Female friend 2, and male friend 2 like the post.
Male Friend 3: “I guess I’m an assh*le at the top of the food chain… ” Girl Friend, and Female Friend 1 like this
Female Friend 3: “Yes… She does have a choice to do this or not. She is not in a cage. Maybe her desire to get ahead or get out of this situation is her cage but that is a mental cage and not a physical one. Anyhoo… Everyone has an opinion and I appreciate yours.” no one likes this post, this poster has completely lost any hope of an audience or support.
Girl Friend: I just guess sitting here on our smartphones, with food in our stomachs and a roof over our head, I look at ‘choice’ differently. And I, like you, will look the other way and unfortunately move on. And yes, I love a healthy debate” Female Friend 1, and Female Friend 3 like this (actually I think 3 has given up at this point).
Female Friend 1: “Holy shit. The fact that you even can sit there saying these work slaves have a choice just makes me think you’re a smug self righteous broad that has to “stand her ground” at all costs. GTFU with your half assed “argument,” I’m so sure!”, no one likes this comment, as it is off putting and assholeish. Totally a word. Fuck you spell check, you don’t know me.
Mutual Female Friend 1: “Aaaand this convo just turned me into a vegetarian.” I like this, mutual male friend 1 likes this mutual male friend 2 likes this, and Girl Friend likes this (confused a little on that one).
Male Friend 3: “The only humane foie gras farm I know of is in Spain. Doest every other farm force feed?” no likes
Female Friend 3: “The work is viewed differently in other countries” also no likes
Mutual Female Friend 2: “[Mutual Female Friend 1] From now on I’m only eating human.” Girl Friend, Female Friend 1 (she’s lost), Female Friend 3, and another male friend like this one. I think I’m adding a like right now. Yup. Liked.

Husband of Girl Friend: “You see there is three kind of people….

Ingen beskrivning här behövs
YOUTUBE.COM” Girl Friend and another female friend not posting likes this.
Girl Friend: “[Mutual Female Friend 1] I’m so glad my human rights talk moved you so  I swear, if anyone hates foie gras they better be Vegan or I’m gonna…I’m gonna…do nothing. Yea. Because that seems to be the way.” Husband of Girl Friend, Female Friend 1, and Female Friend 4 like this one.

Male Friend 4: “You know, I’ll wear the title “asshole”. It wouldn’t be the first time…and this time I get to eat FOIE GRAS! If I were a goose or a duck with a brain, I would be terrified of dying, not eating too much. By the way, have you ever seen those birds get fed…they RUN to the feeder, no torture.

So who’s really the asshole? Those that want to enjoy the short time we have on this earth? Or those who choose to impart their potentially misguided dietary will on others? I’m still pissed that I can’t get unpasteurized cheese.

You know, I’d never force a burger down the throat of a vegetarian, don’t impose your will on me.” Girl Friend, Husband of Girl Friend, and Female Friend 4 like this.

Female Friend 4: ” I love choices that are “do this or die” … I chose not die” Girl Friend likes this
Female Friend 5: “I feel like I’m reading the comments section of a Yahoo article…” I like this, Girl Friend likes this (although, I’m not sure why), and Mutual Male Friend 1 not commenting also likes this.
Girl Friend: “[Male Friend 4] *clapping emoticon*”
Mutual Male Friend 2: “This is all so sad..”
My response (not posted, because fuck Facebook) I’m not really on that shit anymore.

Ima break this shit down.

 

“We hunt and kill animals for nourishment.” – No you don’t you pussy. Not a one of you on this thread has actually hunted for food out of necessity. Oh, you have? Because you were starving? And you had to? You live in America and you’re on facebook because you had access to the internet. You’ve never had to hunt for shit in your life. Fuck off.

“It’s so annoying to read or hear people giving animals the exact same rights as humans”. Sorry to annoy you, but animals have never been given the exact same rights as humans – even on the PETA end of shit (don’t fucking PETA me, PETA is a bunch of assholes that I’m totally not associated with them, fuck those guys, they’re insane). Do you have pets, excuse me, animals that you don’t eat? How do you treat them? Are you a condescending asshole to them? You pat them on the head, and treat them to a luxurious lifestyle before eating them?

“I do believe in society evolving into creating delicious meals by feeding these animals until their hearts content.” If you would like in on this luxurious lifestyle, here, I’ll sit on your stupid ass and shove a tube down your throat so you can not taste a delicious meal and get fat, like this guy. I have school, and work, and stuff, but I’m sure I could find the time, if you really wanted to be afforded the same treatment. [Picture of old asshole sitting on a goose with a tube down it’s throat]

The meat and potatoes, so to speak in this poorly titled, and absurdly written article, is that most people are going to be purchasing this revolting dish from a restaurant, it’s just not typical home dining fare. I realize two out of the 10 posters own a restaurant – and that they are actually upstanding people that will most assuredly seek out the most humane and ethically sourced supply off this obese goose liver substance should they chose to serve it (Jesus fucking Christ, that all sounds god damned fucking revolting) HOWEVER, most restaurateurs are going to be looking at their bottom line, seeing as the restaurant business in general is a fickle fucking bitch, and they’ll probably obtain fat goose liver from a place like this: [picture of a goose with a broken face]

Oh yeah, that guy – totally luxurious lifestyle. Broken beaks are so this season!

And I’m sorry, but the “oh but poor Filipino girls forced into slavery” has no part in this conversation. Not that the situation with child slavery isn’t atrocious, it’s that it’s apples and oranges. We’re talking about apples right now, and you want to toss in oranges to try to prove a point, and really it’s a whole other topic that people are aware of, but we’re still talking about apples right now. Adding another completely, 100% different topic, is like saying “gum is terrible for your teeth and this is why dental hygiene is important – but really you’re intestines and heart are suffering too and it’s because of your gut bacteria”. There are a million and one atrocities committed against humans in the world, we’re not talking about that. We’re talking about shitty animal farmers trying to make an extra buck by cutting costs.

“I guess I’m an assh*le at the top of the food chain…” yup, because your life is comfie and handed to you. GO YOU!

“The fact that you even can sit there saying these work slaves have a choice just makes me think you’re a smug self righteous broad that has to “stand her ground” at all costs. GTFU with your half assed “argument,” I’m so sure!” Yeah – I don’t have much on this one, she wasn’t good with her argument, but you’re a wannabe valley girl douche that lives in OC, so of course you would pounce on that one. I’m so sure! Gag me with a spoon already you self-righteous twat monster.

“By the way, have you ever seen those birds get fed…they RUN to the feeder, no torture” yeah, the broken beak goose totally looks like he’s hauling ass to that feeder oh one that knows all that is foie gras. Do you work on one of these farms? I’m just curious as to where you get your expertise. You seem well learned to me.

“I feel like I’m reading the comments section of a Yahoo article…” hey assholes that agreed with this statement – it wasn’t a fucking compliment. Everyone knows that the people that comment on these articles are douchbags. Go ahead, like that you’re a douchebag. YEY!

The only one that got it right is the last fucking comment – This is all so sad. Why? Justifying the mass production of gross fucking food for human gain (monetary and fatness), and then poking fun at the people that object to it. That’s the really shitty thing. You know, I don’t ever announce what my stance on animal rights are or vegginess etc, because everyone loves the poke fun at the vegan game. Go choke on your foie gras you sack of dicks, and when you get some gnarly parasite that eats out your brain because it wasn’t ethically sourced and came from a farm where geese blow out their butthole, and that blown out butthole is force fed to another goose to save money because that’s the way the gross meat industry is, I’ll be like “sorry dude, don’t eat gross shit next time, because seriously – broccoli doesn’t cause this shit”.

And finally “I’m still pissed that I can’t get unpasteurized cheese.” No, no you’re not. Do you even want to get me started on the diseases born out of unpasteurized dairy products? I actually work with someone whose mother passed away from Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease (that’s mad cow – like hole in your brains disease, just in case you weren’t sure) on account of unpasteurized cheese. Yeah, you can get that from cheese. Gross.

The problem with America is that we like to make things available to everyone, and that means that EVERYTHING is exploited and tainted. Foie gras will be at Walmart now bitches. Go ahead and tell me how it’s ethically sourced now. Fuck off.

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