You know how sometimes you have dreams where you wake up and you’re immediately pissed at someone you love because they’ve slighted you in your dream somehow? Last week, in my dream, my loving husband wanted to divorce me. Maybe no reason, maybe midlife crisis, maybe buyer’s remorse, I don’t know, but it was real, and I woke up with the anger of Kim Jung Un being denied by his kindergarten love interest. I hired a firing squad, I came with torches, every fiber of my being wanted to inflict pain and suffering. Of course my husband doesn’t want to divorce me. My dream was about my insecurities. I know this because I waterboarded him until he said he loved me forever. Just kidding. Kind of.
This morning, I got my payback.
Him: I had the worst fucking dream last night
Me: Was it that Prince was still alive? wait that’s a good dream. Is Prince still alive?
Him: Shut the fuck up about Prince, I….
Me: But I really want to address…..
Him: No, shut up, you were pregnant
Me: I’m glad that us spawning gives you nightmares
Him: No, you were pregnant and I was expecting a baby and was so happy, and…
Me: I BIRTHED THE REINCARNATION OF PRINCE!
Him: SHUT UP! No, you went into labor and a baby came out, and then you said, “Hang on, here come the other two”, you told me there was one in there, and there were THREE!!!
Him: Never hide triplets from me.
Me: I don’t plan on that ever happening.
Him: Good because I’m really pissed, and that’s way too many babies, and why would you do that?
Me: Uh, I didn’t, I don’t think I can get three in there, like it’s just gross and impossible.
Him: Well don’t…
Me: Can I make Party of Five jokes now?
Now I know that all day long, he’s going to be thinking about how I’m hiding triplets in my womb. This is so the beginning of the bestest/worstest ongoing joke I can bring up constantly.